Tuesday, September 8, 2009

an unhappy circumstance

i think we're all pretty old enough to know that there are certain episodes in life that are inescapable. break-ups, getting old....death. landmarks that happens during our lifetime that is consistent with everyone else. but what do you do when all those things occur in a span of a week? a day even? are we in a position in our lives now that we are able to absorb all those experiences and regurgitate it into something positive in a small bracket of time that is allotted to us?
last summer my grandfather died. to be honest, and i feel horribly guilty about it, i've never thought much about my family back in the philippines. i was so young when i left that my childhood memories never really got nourished until i went back almost a decade ago. but when i did land back to the country of my birth all these memories, long since dormant because of the bitter winters spent in canada came rushing back to me. and when my mother called me at work telling me that my beloved grandfather passed away just a week shy of his one hundredth birthday, i couldn't wait to get a bag check and run to a quiet corner outside work and break the dam that held my tear ducks dormant for so many years.
i couldn't help but feel guilty for being so nonchalant about not making any effort to go back home. i guess i just thought that death will wait for me. but it didn't. and till now not a day goes by that i don't regret putting in the effort to see the people who invested and hoped for so much love to be returned that i've ignored.
a good friend of mine experienced two deaths in a span of a day today. one which isn't corporal, and one which is very much physical.
when i heard about the unhappy news i couldn't wait to rush out of my house and just be beside one of my bestie's side, but for the life of me i couldn't find my keys. as i rummaged and turned my room upside down all i could keep on saying was "god..please not today. my friend needs me". and it reminded me of a simpson's episode when bart was in really big trouble and lisa caught him praying and in her always brilliant soliloquies said "prayer is the last refuge of a scoundrel". a few moments later i found my keys and i didn't know what to say to god.

No comments: